Formula 1 accused of encouraging alcoholism

June 2016

An open letter by some never-before-heard-of group of whiners was sent to FIA president Jean Todt, urging him to ban alcohol sponsorship. This, apparently, is because seeing the word “Heineken” will turn every person into a raging alcoholic.

Having successfully banned tobacco sponsorship and logic from the sport, alcohol has been the target for the thought police for some time now. A spokesperson for the “Alcohol Silence Society”, or ASS for short, said this petition was the next step in a long line of requests they and other groups are proposing over the coming years in order to remove any interest in sport.

“We at ASS feel that seeing alcohol and cars in close proximity is irresponsible because it encourages people to drink and drive. Much as grid girls obviously encourages people to become prostitutes and the fast cars encourage young men to go out and run over old ladies in their cars. We believe that Mr Todt should first address the misuse of alcohol in the sport and then do something about introducing grid boys and limiting the speed of the cars to a slow jog, otherwise he is inciting anarchy. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go to the pub for a pint.”

Kimi Raikkonen was said to be furious but refused to comment.