The race, traditionally regarded as one of the toughest events on the calendar, has become so punishing that the FIA is considering replacing the chequered flag with a defibrillator.
Under new proposals, drivers will be permitted to stop at designated hydration stations, receive counselling from retired racing drivers, and spend three minutes lying face-down on the asphalt contemplating their life choices.
“We've always known Singapore was physically demanding,” explained an FIA spokesperson, speaking from inside a refrigerated cupboard. “But when a driver starts asking his race engineer whether the white lines are moving, we feel we've crossed into occupational health and safety territory.”
The situation reportedly deteriorated during practice, when several drivers began removing their steering wheels to use as improvised fans. One unnamed competitor was allegedly seen attempting to overtake a bollard after mistaking it for a rival car, while another asked his engineer whether the team could legally retire the car on humanitarian grounds.
Ferrari, meanwhile, has reportedly developed a revolutionary cooling system involving 14 industrial fans, two portable air-conditioning units and a small man from Maranello whose sole responsibility is waving a damp towel at Charles Leclerc.
Team principal Fred Vasseur declined to comment, although sources claim he has privately asked whether the towel could be strategically deployed during pit stops.
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Red Bull has taken a different approach, with engineers reportedly investigating whether Max Verstappen can be supplied with liquid nitrogen through his drinks tube. The Dutchman is said to have rejected the proposal, explaining that he would rather finish second than drive a car that makes him look like a frozen chicken.
Mercedes has announced plans to install a miniature swimming pool in its garage, although Lewis Hamilton is believed to have requested that it be painted red and supplied with Italian opera.
The FIA has also confirmed that the traditional podium celebrations may be suspended if the top three finishers are unable to stand upright. Champagne will instead be distributed by drone, with drivers required to acknowledge their sponsors before being placed horizontally on medical stretchers.
Singapore's tourism authorities have welcomed the proposals, insisting that the changes will not affect the event's reputation as one of the world's most glamorous sporting spectacles.
“Visitors will still enjoy spectacular racing, fine dining and world-class entertainment,” said a spokesperson. “They may simply have to step over a dehydrated Formula 1 driver on their way to the casino.”
At the time of publication, the FIA was considering one final safety measure: replacing the traditional national anthem with 90 minutes of gentle rainfall and the soothing sound of a race engineer saying, “Box, box,” in a reassuring voice.
The proposal was rejected after drivers complained that hearing those words already gave them nightmares.